On life, death and existence.

Reflections while finding myself in the ambient of a hospital; I think hospitals are the best places to reflect upon the question of life and death. It presents the inexplicable philosophical and psychological questions to you. The existentialism you may be experiencing outside, in your reality, in a daily routine world. Here the reality is limited, it becomes a cage. People particularly within the wards on the bed, you see their life’s philosophy. You see different people reacting and behaving in different ways, their approach to such a hard deal, to an unexplainable question is constantly being asked.

In our daily life, even experiencing an existential crisis, we get distracted and let our thoughts go away, however here, all you got are your thoughts, a constant tickling clock inside your mind. You question the time itself, you wonder about time, and question how much time is left, especially the time you have spent in your whole life. You are endlessly brooding about what you did, your memories, your regrets, and your best and worst moments. You reflect upon; Is all this life what just we experienced? And therefore, the absurdity it presents.

A question of life, your existence — you question it. After all, you were born here, at the place where you are reflecting these thoughts. What has been your life? Was it merely an existence of some atoms, a material being just? If life was meant to seek out an essence, you wonder; was it really worth or was it really your essence? It’s a time for reflection, some endless reflections all the time. It becomes a cycle for some. Nurses assisting you, doctors coming to see you, you taking your regular medication, eating, sleeping, and keep reflecting. You are restricted, laying on the bed, seeing here and there, you see the ceiling and keep thinking. You find yourself, in the purest form of yourself. It’s reflecting your own self, but now, the value for self-reflection is different. It’s not improving yourself anymore, it’s seeing the entire timeline.

Sharing the experience of somebody outsider, who is witnessing it all. I am in a hospital ward now, being with my mother. She is here for the past five days. I come here early in the morning to assist her, to do whatever I can, simply to be with her, after all, she has been caring for me for the last eighteen years, and during the year of no consciousness around my childhood, I can just wonder how arduous it absolutely was for her.

And as I am coming here for five days, I see other patients and reflect upon my very own set of beliefs, the question regarding my existence in this world, and ultimately; what is life? And what it is to live? To share my set of beliefs, these days I am passing a phase of extreme nihilism. I come to see a patient who is just lying on the bed for the whole day, she got nobody to talk with, no one to share her [maybe, hopefully not] last thoughts with. Nobody comes to see her, to tell her about what’s happening around the world, actually to give her hope. It appears like she got no one, yet she can be heard saying she has eight children. To describe her more, she is around seventy-five, at least what I got to know. She misses her children, yet she is aware that no one will come for her. It’s the purest form of realization of what life very is, here and in the afterlife [if you believe]. Our relations, our bonds which we think are forever, and our material possessions, all are a dream. Life looks like a dream, and this time while reflecting on it, you come to realise, that it was all a dream. You wake up, realise, and see.

I just see these people, I come to different perspectives, the patients here, the nurses here, the nurse associates here, the doctors here, from ward managers to cleaning staff, all those individuals who can be found here, all got perspectives, different and same from each other, and obviously, I got mine.

I have to make my writing a bit shorter. I can’t write all that I be thinking. Though such perspectives of those found here deserve mentioning, to generalise, they all got their own realities. Back in their mind, they all are having some other psychological ups and downs. Some feel brave, and some feel weak, some are to look for something, and some see nothing. Everyone is sorting out their lives.

It feels chaotic here, but still, it isn’t. It feels tense here, yet I don’t see it. It’s not miserable here, but still, it feels. Everyone is suffering, all are suffering.

And here I am capturing them, their sort of realities, and the reality I am exposed to. It’s all I got to capture. I am an outsider, yet I feel their subjective reality. I wonder about the subconscious of it. What really the environment is, it’s unexplainable! You feel, is living worth it?

My time in the hospital made me receptive to many perspectives. To add more; I spent twenty days here with my mother. All these twenty days were time to reflect on life, death and existence. I see a conclusion, but can’t conclude it. It’s my perspective and my beliefs that are setting me to jot down and explain. However, I believe despite everything we need to live, what would be left than living itself. Life is all we got, and we better pay it off.

— Extracted from the personal diary, 20/05/22.